Don't ignore people with infertility

When you look at my daughter, you see confidence, strength, and relentless energy. She is busy in her job where she travels the world writing about chemicals. When she is not working, she is making food and hosting parties for her friends and family. She has a spunky personality, a contagious laugh and a warm, kind heart.

What you don’t see is a young woman who is yearning to be a mother, who has been dreaming of motherhood all of her life, and has been trying for the last five years, rather painfully, without success.

You don’t see the young woman who has had nine surgeries to try and repair the extensive damage from intestinal endometriosis and PCOS, or the woman who has gone through IUI and IVF treatments unsuccessfully, or taken injections and pills for weeks on end to boost fertilization. You don’t see the woman who cries with every month’s failure and then gets new hope just days later. And you certainly don’t see the sadness she feels when people offer her hurtful advice, because she is too kind to tell the well-meaning soul that what they said stung.

My daughter and her sweet husband have been dealing with infertility for several years now. I consider it, like Addison’s Disease, an invisible disease. Invisible disease is the internal suffering that is experienced by self but not seen by others.

I know my daughter well enough to know when she is hurting. Her back slumps, her eyes turn grey and she talks less. But most don’t see that when they look at her. She continues to go about her day in pain from the effects of fertility treatment or sadness from another failure and most people have no idea the extent her heart is breaking.

I can empathize with her so much. People look at me and don’t see the deterioration of my insides, my daily fatigue and the painful splotches under my clothes when I go outdoors on a sunny day. They see a cheerful, petite, young-looking Connie. They don’t see my disease. I hear, ‘but you don’t look sick’ often. Probably why I like that community so much. I find understanding and empathy there.


Neither of us chose to have invisible diseases, but we have chosen to conquer them, learn about them and when possible, educate others based on our experiences.

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I’d like to bless my daughter by asking you not to ignore the signs of invisible diseases. Don’t ignore people with infertility, or the pain they are dealing with.

People dealing with infertility see things everyday in the world that remind them of their plight. And society has formed opinions about infertility that are used in various channels. Knowing what to say is half the battle.

Take a look at infertility etiquette from Resolve.Org for great tips on how to comfort someone you love in the same battle. For example, by simply stopping with the advice and just letting them know you care, you can really help a sweet person out.


For more on Infertility,

Basic understanding of the disease of infertility


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